Bane of my life

Just sitting here fuming at my desk when I suddenly remember I have an output for my impotent rage: the internet! Lucky internet. I was in the process of considering my greatest enemy and the scourge of humanity at large: transitions lenses. They are the ugliest, stupidest scab on the face of humanity ever to be propegated by a company. Designed seemingly for people devoid of all taste and style they are at least a lighthouse of social inability. Like the bells they used to make lepers wear they flash hideously from the gormless troll who decided to buy them 'stay away, stay away I have no taste and incapable of forming relationahips'. Bleurgh. I once vowed to kick eveyone I ever met who wore them. This created quite an awkward situation at a restaurant where I worked cause the boss wore them. A stumble and a 'whoops!' managed to disguise (vaguely) my viscious assault on his cankle.

BUY SOME PRESCRIPTION SUNGLASSES YOU CHEAPSKATES. Or stay indoors. If you own transitions then for the sake of everyone on the planet choose the latter option. And for your own sake take them off if you see me coming. BTW if you do own transitions lenses then WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Don't you watch the news? Transitions lenses are the eyewear of choice for every paedophile on the planet (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7441793.stm). Should tell you something.

Window into my soul

Here's a little peek into my subconcious ... I imagine the experience will be similar to that of looking at the scary face Michael Keaton shows Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice. Last night I had a dream about that girl I met about 2 months ago who is on Shipwrecked. Haven't seen her since. Anyway she went missing and I eventually found out that my close friends Laura and Jack (who are a couple) had murdered her because Jack had raped her and she was going to go to the police. I think that's going to be the plot of the new Pixar movie.

Boozin

Having survived my massive hangover on Saturday, mostly because of the glorious buffet of eggs/sausages/bacon/beans/toast etc served up by the hotel ... what a sight when you're insanely hungover, tears sprang to my eyes ... I killed an hour or so by wandering round St. Helier. Headed to the airport and ended up waiting HOURS because my flight was delayed. Bastard Flybe. To add insult to injury they then flew me back to England on a plane with propellers! PROPELLERS! Not only had I traveled to Jersey but apparently through time as well. Everytime the plane moved, ticked, squeaked or sounded funny I gripped my seat rests and prepared myself for death. Luckily it never came.

Spent the evening with Dave and Deborah, went to Pucci Pizza (v good) and then bars on the Kings Road (v bad) and then back to bars in Putney and to Debs' house. Dave is a friend from law school who lives in Peru and has the greatest job on the planet. Its a testament to how much I like Dave that I enjoy his company and have a laugh with him, anybody else and I would be consumed with the greem flames of incandesent hatred and be forced to murder him, wear his skin and take over his life. He lives on the beach, eats giant Argentinian Lomo steaks that cost him £3, drives around in his 4X4 with his ultra cheap petrol sky diving, surfing, climbing mountains and being chased by gringo-loving uber-hot Peruvian girls. Pure coke is £1 a gram (neither of us indulge but STILL, helps to get the party going for everybody else) and buying a round of drinks for every person in a bar would probably cost $5. Oh and on top of that he works for ten weeks and then gets a three week holiday, for which his company will pay for a flight to and from anywhere in the world. Puts things in persepctive. Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy really, he's Irish (alright there fella, what's the craic? Fancy some boozin later?) and lovely. In fact he's somewhat reminiscent of Colin Farrell's character in scrubs. Great to see him anyway and I can't wait to get over there and see what there is to see and hang out with him some more.

We were up til 4am drinking. Sunday I didn't do much. No surprises there.

Perks of the job

Friday afternoon I was indulged in a serious work-related perk. We had the corporate department dinner and it was held on Jersey. So not only did we get flown down to the Channel Islands and put up in a really nice hotel (http://www.grandjersey.com/Hotel/Photo-Gallery/) but we also go to miss a whole afternoon of work! Ooooooh! Arrived at about 5, went out onto the terrace and smoked (packets of cigarettes £1.50 each on the plane, God bless tax havens) and drank til dinner. It was a big spit roasted pig and it all looked delicious. Unfortunately it was a bit windy so by the time I'd sat down the food was STONE cold and didn't taste of much. Had about 600 beers by way of comepensation. Bonded with people from the Guernsey office, saw Brenda from the X-Factor sing live, threw up, went to bed. I was so drunk that I don't remember about 2 hours at the end of the evening which is a good thing as I was dancing, but a bad thing as so were the middle aged straight guys from my office. Apparently one of them did the splits. Definitely missed out on that. Adrina assures me that I appeared to be sober and did nothing to embarrass myself. I knew all the drinking at St. Andrews would pay dividends at some point.

Egg on my face

I cycled into work this morning and for real, big smile on my face, Mr Bluebird on my shoulder etc etc. I love that my seratonin uptake is so non-existant that a few days of missing excercise and I can't see the wood for the trees. 40mins on a bike later and everything's gravy

Guru

I'm obsessed with this guy: www.arthurdevany.com. This would normally be the point at which I would say I was going to follow his word to the letter, but really I don't know if I have the dedicaton. He's right though. Read this http://www.arthurdevany.com/webstuff/RevisedEssay.pdf and feel inspired!

Did I win yet?

I've been trying very hard recently to win 'least updated blog on the internet' I've not got word from the awards committee yet but I'm sure that has something to do with Royal Mail and the poor standard of carrier pigeon they favour. Its only a matter of time before I am afforded the recognition I deserve. Why the lack of posting? Just been grumpy I guess. Was grumpy on Friday night and crapped out on birthday drinks that I REALLY should have gone to and my mood hasn't improved since. Saturday I spent 10 hours TEN helping Henry move house. He moved from the fourth floor of one building to the fourth floor of another and NEITHER have lifts. UGH. Plus Henry owns so much stuff that it took a rental van, a station wagon and a regular car two trips back and forth to get all his stuff. Only upside was that I got to drive the van and good GOD do I love driving vans.

Sunday I went to see the SATC movie. Everytime I mention the film I call it the 'new' SATC movie. Why? I just typed 'new SATC' and had to delete it. Anywho, went round to Henry's for Cosmos and brunch before heading over to the cinema. The movie was Celine Dion. Explanation: I hate Celine Dion, she makes my blood boil, my fists clench, sweat break out on my brow and I can feel an angry scream building in my throat everytime she winks or does something equally as cheesy [side note, just typing that has made me somewhat enraged] but at the same time I think she has probably the greatest singing voice on the planet right now. In terms of purity of tone and her ability to change note without sliding she is unparalelled. One of my fondest wishes was to take acid and go see her show in Vegas. The visual spectacluar, the soaring voice and my absolute rage would've been quite the experience. To be at once both enraged and blown away, thats what I call a night out. That was the way I felt about the SATC movie. It was at once both terrible and extremely good. The only things I really like about the show are the jokes and the fashion and both were of very high quality in the movie. The bits I don't like about the show (Carrie, relationships, female perspective) were all off-the-charts irritating and the story line was nowhere to be seen. I think I'll like it the more I see it, except for the bits with Jennifer Hudson in which can only get worse. Her prescence in the movie was so shoe-horned in and awkward that it felt like a different movie. So NUL points for Hudson so far - Dreamgirls was EVIL and she was shit in SATC.

Aside from that I've been coming home after work (ugh) and going up to my room (I want my own place) and watching SATC in the dark. Literally all I need is a box of bonbons and I'm a middle aged divorcee cliche. I think my being grumpy might have something to do with the fact that I haven't cycled for a while (too grumpy) and aren't getting my twice daily hit of endorphins, that or the fact that I'm having to wear cycling shorts under my suit to stop my bulging thighs rubbing together through the holes in the crotch of my suit.